Welcome to my world. I am a middle-aged male locked in the good fight. I try to balance work with being a good father and husband and even have a little fun once in a while. Expect a free-form collection of musings, observations and the occassional rant.
The Ghost, part 3
Published on September 8, 2006 By whosyurdaddy0417 In Home & Family
I was listening to the traffic report on the way home, like I always do when I hearad about a terrible traffic accident that would affect my commute should I take my usual route. So I went another way. The news station I listen to does "traffic on the 3's", every minute that ends with a 3 they update the traffic report. Again the accident that caused me to detour was mentioned, this time discussed as to its severity. Apparently a car had crossed a lane and hit an SUV head on and there were extensive injuries. The "Jaws of Life" and a "Medevac Chopper" were used to extract and transport the victims. My phone rang, it was my wife's father. His wife had just been involved in a terrible head on collision and she was on the way to Mass General by Helicopter, and could I please come to the hospital as soon as possible? Dumbfounded as the realization washed over me, I complied.

What a scene lay before me. My mother-in-law strapped to a board, broken ribs and multiple contusions and a prelimianary diagnosis of at least 6 months in rehabilitation centers. The other driver was not much better off. What do you say to someone in such a spot? Get better soon does not quite cut it. But her generally rosy outlook emerged after a few days and we paid our due diligence of visits and retrieving mail and bringing dinners and desserts because the hospital food sucks. We did not tell her what her husband already knew. Her license was being revoked because she fell asleep behind the wheel. They were being sued by the other driver (who was in the same reahb center) and the legal documents were being prepared for delivery. And we (her husband included) chose not to tell her that in a follow-up appointment earlier that day to a medical procedure he had had, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Cancer. It was his choice not to tell her so we sat in front of her bed and acted like everything was fucking great.

The prognosis for LIver Cancer is rarely good. He has been given approximately six months to "get his affairs in order" and try to maintain a "quality of life". Well he has already done that because this is not his first bout with Cancer. But he is not able to enjoy quality of life because he has fallen into a very deep depression that has landed him in the hospital. He won't eat or drink, wash or answer the phone. When we finally got him to open his door, he was a emaciated, very dirty and sick man. He is now in a separate hospital. I asked his doctor the other day why he is unable to get out of bed already, that just last week (pre-diagnosis) he was physically strong. The answer was simple; it is not that he cannot get out of bed, he will not get out of bed.

So here we are. Two people who need each other desperately for support who cannot be there for each other and do what they promised in their hand-written wedding vows...to care for each other. Twenty seven miles physical miles but galaxies away from each other.And what do we have to offer them. One needs to shorten their recovery, the other needs to outlive their prognosis and somehow meet int the middle.

When last I visited, we brought our children along. Due to unruly behavior in a very quiet environment we cust short the visit. But when my wife and our four children left the room I stayed back to talk to him for a minute. I paused of course, what do you say to someone who has 6 months to live? I said my peace, gripped his hand and left to meet my family in the hallway. On the car ride home my wife finally asked "what did you say to my father back there?"
I replied "I just said some stuff to him to cheer him up, that's all".
"What kind of stuff?"she inquired.
"I told him that in order to get better he has to want to. Nothing I can say will inspire him. But if it matters to him, there are a lot of people that love him very much that want him to stand up and make a good fight against his illness. But in order to fight, you have to stand up first."
"And what did he say to that?' she asked.
"He thanked me for trying to motivate him".

The truth is, everything I said was just words. And I cannot begin to effectively empathise with him because I m not the one with 6 months to live."

Comments
on Sep 08, 2006
tell him to run up a ton of bills that become payable in six months.
on Sep 08, 2006
He already knows the score so just say exactly what you would say if he had 100 years.
on Sep 09, 2006
I am a RN and have always been a nurse. I have over 25 years experience in caring for patients of all kinds. People need to make choices and have others respect those choices. I worked for hospice for 4 years. I loved my job and the unique people I had to assist in deciding what they wanted to do with the rest of thier lives. Even the youngest of my patients knew what they wanted. The youngest client I cared for was 3years old and she knew she was dying: Her mother thought she did not know but the first day I came to visit she came to me and hugged me and said she was glad somebody was there to help her mommy and daddy since she was not going to be alive much longer. She was very protective of her mother. She died 10 days later.
Depression especially in a man is common. I would suggest asking His doctor for an order for Hopsice to come in to talk with him. There is a lot they can do to help him, his wife and the rest of the family at this time. As a hospice nurse I was in the unique position of talking and listening to clients, thier families and friends and empathizing with them at this most dificult time in thier lives. All of them had issues and all of them were in some stage of grief. Many times it is not what you say it is just being there for them. Taking care of the day to day issues for them is helpful and then coming to sit and hold thier hands or watch tv or do hobbies. It does not have to be for long, but it needs to be consistent. I would at times bring something to read to them that they enjoye. It is very important that both your in-laws know how the other is doing. It is also important for them to have visible proof that the other is thinking of them and still loves them in spite of the circumstances. Picking out cards for them from one to the other is one idea..... chose several cards for your dad to look at, chose, and sign that you can bring to Her and vis versa. Helping the grandchildren to make things for them is another.
I know that it seems that having kids around at this time is just wrong because they will not always behave but the young usually have an afinity for the ill. They will ask the hard questions for you and wait for the answers from thier grandparents. They can also jar them from thier depression for short periods of time. That is not a bad thing for them to do. Respecting the wishes of you Father is very important. If he does not want his wife to know that is his choice and probably for now it is a good choice on his part. But she is going to ask how he is and where he is. Telling her that he is depressed and not eating is a good place to start. She will want to send cards to him to cheer him up so you can have cards for her to chose and sign to cheer him up.
I am sure he is depressed not only because of his prognosis but also because she is ill so you can tell her that. It is true and something that she could understand as a plausable reason for him to be away in another hospital.
As she recovers I would talk to thier individual doctors and see how to arrrange visits between the two of them. They do not need to be long visits but having her there can be a comfort to him. I know that she is going to learn of the dificulties she needs to face because of the accident but keeping all of it from her is not a good thing. If she asks about the insurance and liscences and other things let her know what is going on. As far as the law suit that is why she has insurance. I know that some of this might sound harsh but in the long run she will appreciate knowing about the consequences from you rather than from the insurance people or some well meaning friend or neighbor.
Your father in law needs her but he is protecting her which is what married people do when death and dying issues occur. I am sure that if questioned she already is aware that his cancer is back. I would not lie to her about his health issue but I would tell her that she needs to talk to him about what he is depressed about. She probably knew for a while but it was not something they both wanted to talk about mainly because of him becoming depressed. She needs to know that her family will not lie to her. that is important.
Hopefully thier spiritual advisor is avaliable to come visit with them both often. You and the rest of the family should also seek some kind of spiritual counseling to assist them in the days ahead. Hospice will be able to help with that and many many more issues that might occur. I pray that the Lord will be with all of you at this time and support you in this time of grief and family crisis.
sprinkle_sb