I was listening to the traffic report on the way home, like I always do when I hearad about a terrible traffic accident that would affect my commute should I take my usual route. So I went another way. The news station I listen to does "traffic on the 3's", every minute that ends with a 3 they update the traffic report. Again the accident that caused me to detour was mentioned, this time discussed as to its severity. Apparently a car had crossed a lane and hit an SUV head on and there were extensive injuries. The "Jaws of Life" and a "Medevac Chopper" were used to extract and transport the victims. My phone rang, it was my wife's father. His wife had just been involved in a terrible head on collision and she was on the way to Mass General by Helicopter, and could I please come to the hospital as soon as possible? Dumbfounded as the realization washed over me, I complied.
What a scene lay before me. My mother-in-law strapped to a board, broken ribs and multiple contusions and a prelimianary diagnosis of at least 6 months in rehabilitation centers. The other driver was not much better off. What do you say to someone in such a spot? Get better soon does not quite cut it. But her generally rosy outlook emerged after a few days and we paid our due diligence of visits and retrieving mail and bringing dinners and desserts because the hospital food sucks. We did not tell her what her husband already knew. Her license was being revoked because she fell asleep behind the wheel. They were being sued by the other driver (who was in the same reahb center) and the legal documents were being prepared for delivery. And we (her husband included) chose not to tell her that in a follow-up appointment earlier that day to a medical procedure he had had, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Cancer. It was his choice not to tell her so we sat in front of her bed and acted like everything was fucking great.
The prognosis for LIver Cancer is rarely good. He has been given approximately six months to "get his affairs in order" and try to maintain a "quality of life". Well he has already done that because this is not his first bout with Cancer. But he is not able to enjoy quality of life because he has fallen into a very deep depression that has landed him in the hospital. He won't eat or drink, wash or answer the phone. When we finally got him to open his door, he was a emaciated, very dirty and sick man. He is now in a separate hospital. I asked his doctor the other day why he is unable to get out of bed already, that just last week (pre-diagnosis) he was physically strong. The answer was simple; it is not that he cannot get out of bed, he will not get out of bed.
So here we are. Two people who need each other desperately for support who cannot be there for each other and do what they promised in their hand-written wedding vows...to care for each other. Twenty seven miles physical miles but galaxies away from each other.And what do we have to offer them. One needs to shorten their recovery, the other needs to outlive their prognosis and somehow meet int the middle.
When last I visited, we brought our children along. Due to unruly behavior in a very quiet environment we cust short the visit. But when my wife and our four children left the room I stayed back to talk to him for a minute. I paused of course, what do you say to someone who has 6 months to live? I said my peace, gripped his hand and left to meet my family in the hallway. On the car ride home my wife finally asked "what did you say to my father back there?"
I replied "I just said some stuff to him to cheer him up, that's all".
"What kind of stuff?"she inquired.
"I told him that in order to get better he has to want to. Nothing I can say will inspire him. But if it matters to him, there are a lot of people that love him very much that want him to stand up and make a good fight against his illness. But in order to fight, you have to stand up first."
"And what did he say to that?' she asked.
"He thanked me for trying to motivate him".
The truth is, everything I said was just words. And I cannot begin to effectively empathise with him because I m not the one with 6 months to live."