I am so tired of male-bashing. Everywhere I go I listen to women tearing guys apart. We are pigs, stupid, insensitive, clueless as to their needs and incapable of understanding them. And in response to this I have to say that we are not stupid!
With the possible exception of Pepsi vs. Coke there is no longer standing debate than that of the differences between men and women. Many a man who has undertaken the battle to capture lost ground has been left a castrated, emaciated shadow of his former self when battling the supposedly fairer sex. These writhing, dying souls do not understand women and do not know what to do about it. But I do. I quickly surrendered at gunpoint and threw myself at the mercy of my captors.
"And what do you have to say for yourself pig?"
"Whatever you want me to say, Maam!"
So I was told exactly what to do and say. But genetics took over and before I knew it...I wasn't paying attention.
I am what is known as a "liberated male". Loosely translated I acknowledge that I do not understand women and freely admit it. I understand that I will never understand them. So I am going to attempt, through humor and real-life experience, to iillustrate how I see and consequently deal with women. And before I go any further I must state that there is no bigger fan of all that is female than myself.
Let's start with a question and I want a honest answer.
Who here has been watching television when your woman walks into the room, kicks you squarely in the balls, call you an asshole and then storm out of the room. As you writhe on the floor in unspeakable agony you manage to squeak "Honey, were you watching Lifetime again?" Lifetime is the enemy of men everywhere. Fear it before it gets you too.
Or innocently remarked "Honey, your hair looks wonderful today". And gotten as a response "Well, what was the matter with it yesterday?"
You can't win this one either. You might as well be asked "Does my ass look fat in these pants?". There is no way out of this one. If her ass is indeed fat she will call you a liar if you say no. If you say yes, well I can refer you to a very good attorney from the firm of Dewey, Screwem, and Howe. Oh, and as an aside, never ever say "no honey, those are magic jeans". Trust me. This only magnifies one of the major differences, a distinct lack of sense of humor.
It's really not a matter of not being able to win, merely surviving is the goal. Knowing what not to say (see previous example) is twice as important as what you say. The trick is to see it coming and be ready. Of course the hard part is making the necessary adjustments in yuour thought processes to minimize the collateral damage. First you must have a few examples of the fundamental disparities, I'm sorry I mean differences.
Women are very intelligent, logical creatures. We don't have enough blood in our bodies to operate our brain and our penis at the same time.
Women think with their hearts, men with their heart-ons. A man gives his penis a name because he doesn't want a total stranger making decisions for him.
Men are visual (hey, tits!). Women need romance. They don't just see your "Hanging Chad" and say hey let's go! They will always prefer Sweet Home Alabama over Super Sorority Sluts VI because a chick flick makes them feel romantic. Romance to a guy is getting lucky after (or during)the porn.
Women want to be held, we want to be left alone.
Everything is a big deal to a woman, a man could give a shit less unless it is a playoff loss.
While some women may want a man to be like her father, a man needs a woman to be like his mother.
Women love a good argument. A man should admit he's wrong before the argument even starts. He is way better off for four reasons.
A argument never helps a guy's standing in the ranks, you will say definitley say something stupid that will inevitably come up in the next argument.
You will definitely be caught not listening to her logic. And you may find yourself saying "Sorry, I wasn't listening".
The sooner it is over the sooner the make-up sex begins.
A woman always forgives and forgets. But she never forgets what it is she forgave.
All jokes aside, men and women see things from completely different angles. It has little to do with right and wrong, instead it is archetypal archeology. A man is conditioned by his elder men that he is to be strong, to not show weakness, to provide and protect, to always do the right thing. Sounds simple in a simple world but we do not live in one. Instead we live in a world where men and women compete for status on an uneven playing field. Some women make more money than their husbands...deal with it and enjoy the money. Some women do not need to be cared for and nurtured...deal with it. Many women actually wield great power and don't need male input. The down side? When a man is cranky and ill-mannered he is powerful and not to be messed with. When a woman is difficult to work with she is a bitch and probably "on the rag."
Besides I really like women, I get off on the amazing difference of perception of events and I truly respect the strides some women of power that I work with have made. But sometimes I walk away, shaking my head and wondering where, exactly that interpretation came from!
To all of you ladies out there, I love you. I just don't understand you.