It started as a routine argument, one of the many we have had lately. I was on edge and very angry at her because of the way she talked to me earlier and her general intolerance of our children. I zipped my lip as we put the kids in bed. I ignored a few barely concealed digs at me and managed to not say anything. But it was pending. I could feel it. I managed to avoid conversation with her so she could "come out of it" as she likes to say. Even when pressed to "come talk to me" I simply stated that I felt any attempt at conversation would be futile and generally not a good idea. So the soft jabs and mumbled digs continued until she finally said the wrong thing. And we went at it.
People notoriously say things they don't mean when they argue. We sometimes take it to another level. And i always regret it when it happens. But unfortunately we have gotten to the point that we can't hurt each other anymore. Or so I thought.
At one point we regrouped, staring ahead but not at each other, after a particularly nasty round of ridiculous putdowns. And out of left field came the question I was not prepared to answer. In a soft voice she said "If we did not have children would we still be together?" I knew that any pause would be an answer in and of itself...but I waited. The questions raced through my mind. Do we fight about the kids mostly? Is it possible her negativity is based on the kids and not me? And do I really have to think about this answer? My pause was for decorum, I had thought about this extensively and I knew the answer. "No" I replied. This time it was her time to pause. The silence was deafening.
While a typical response would have been a few "f-bombs" and the occasional projectile she said nothing for awhile. I pretended to watch TV. Finally she said in a soft, strained but calm tone "I hate you. I have for a long time and I want you to leave".
"I won't leave on your terms. In this state when a guy walks out he is telling the courts that he is relinquishing his rights to everything including the children. And I won't give you the satisfaction of taking everything while undermining me to our kids" I replied.
"I see you've given this some thought" she said. And she was right. I thought about it a lot. My contempt for her is solid and deep. I have only stayed because I love my children.
I went to the bedroom and packed an overnight bag. it was 1:30 Am and I had to get up at 5. I needed sleep. Looks like the sofa at my parents' house was my destination. On the way out I said "We'll talk later. Don't think about changing the locks."
As I drove to claim my sofa, I waited for the pain, longing and regret. But it never came. How did it get this bad?